The Fillings Will Continue Until It Doesn't

So I went to my bi-annual checkup with my dentist recently and they found another cavity.  I felt very discouraged.
I used to have very strong teeth, with no cavities. Up until I was 40, I had not developed any cavities, despite not keeping good regular dental hygiene.  But then something happened after I turned 40.  I started getting cavities in my back molar.  Every visit to the dentist would show some problems.

In fact, I just came back from getting a second filling done on the same molar.  I feel disheartened.  The dentist keeps reminding me to floss, and I keep ignoring the advice.  Hopefully things will be different this time, and I am able to develop the flossing habit.  I really don't want to keep visiting my dentist and have them shove some crap into my mouth to make my jaw stay open while they drilling out my cavity.  It's very uncomfortable to have to visit them to get this filling done.

However, I guess I don't hate it enough to make me change my admittedly bad habit of not flossing.  I do have a laissez-faire attitude sometimes, to my detriment.  That is why while it is fresh in my mind, I hope I can kick this bad habit by talking about it.  Recognize it, expose it out in the open, and hope for the best.

This Is What It Should Be

My trading endeavours will no longer be blogged about here.  Instead I will use an old blog of mine to record my trading journal.

This blog will remain active for capturing my non-trading thoughts.

Spending Money

Account Balance:  $11055.00

So, I have been able to generate $1000 of trading income on my $10,000.00 of initial capital.
I will reward myself by withdrawing $100 as my "income" from my trading account and use it to pay down the $10K principal + interest.  The goal for the month of November is to generate another $1000 of trading income,  which will allow me to withdraw another $100 from my trading account.  If things go real well, I'd like to withdraw $150 or more each and every month.  But first things first, and that is to reach my goal for November which should be doable - it took me 15 business days to generate the first $1000, and I will have 20 trading days in November to reach the same goal.


The 100% win rate did come to an end a couple days after I made the previous post.  Losing trades does negatively affect my confidence.  Winning trades only marginally improves my confidence.  The key to maintaining my confidence (and also consistency) is to follow the rules:

1) Always do my homework and plan out the price levels to take trades
2) Wait for the market to tell me what it is doing
3) Execute
4) Stay out of trouble - take losses early, and avoid taking any trades that are not part of the plan.

Flying Start

12 trades this week.  100% win rate.  Average win size:  0.91 points

So far so good, I feel good about these results.  At this rate I will reach my profit target in a couple of weeks.  The challenge is to remain consistent.

Borrow to Trade

I have borrowed $10K at 3.25% interest, and the goal is to use this money for short term trading with a target of $1200.0 net profit within 12 months.

The 3.25% interest is tax deductible.  Each $100 profit earned to be used to pay down the loan principal.  $100 net profit per month from short term trading is doable, but I will need to be patient and disciplined.  I need to first establish that I can consistently net $100 profit per month.

Philosophical Rant of the Day

Everyone who considers themselves remotely normal is without fail, looking for someone to care about them.  If you're lucky, you will encounter a partner who loves you and cares about you and wants to accompany you on your journey through life.  If you're not lucky, then you will have to go about it the hard way.
And therein lies the rub.  The law of human nature says that no one cares how much you know until they firstly know how much you care.
So what that means is if you're looking for someone to care about you, the real issue is to really, sincerely, and honestly examine your own capacity to first care about them.   It's as simple as that, and yet so hard to carry out in real life, since so many other "things" get in the way.  These things that get in the way could be that you carry emotional baggage, pain from a previous experience, selfishness, or ego.   Or, the cruel truth could very well be that you just are not very capable of caring about someone that much.

Gentrification and Densification

The metroplitan region I live in is undergoing a major transformation.  The combination of a cheap CAD$, stable economy, low interest rates, and increasing population has driven housing prices up, way up.  Many foreign investors are snapping up houses in the west side of Vancouver.  The sellers in Vancouver west migrate to Vancouver East, which pushes those people over to Burnaby, Richmond, Coquitlam, and Delta.  As a result of this migration trend, housing prices also get pushed up in each region.

Once these sellers sell their detached homes, many of them will opt to move into multi-family, higher density developments like townhomes and condos.  As a result, more and more townhomes and high-rises, and low-rises are being constructed all over the region.  One side effect of this construction boom is that the apartment developments push out low income housing.

Chinatown is a prime example of this phenomenon.  About 10 years ago, Chinatown was vibrant, active, and filled with busy shoppers.  But now, it is slowly losing its vitality, becoming derelict, with no new shops opening to replace shops that have closed down due to moving or going out of business.  At the same time, a few major condo developments are being constructed right in Chinatown, driven by people who can no longer afford the higher priced condos in the downtown area.

When I was a young lad, my parents would take us to Chinatown once a week to go shopping and eat dim sum.   There were certain shops in Chinatown that we would always visit, as my parents liked certain ones for the vegetables, and certain ones for the meat.  Sometimes my parents would buy some candy for us while we went shopping. I would jump for joy, and pick the Blackcurrant pastilles, which were my favourite (and still is). That was then, this is now.  But nonetheless, my heart is saddened now when I look upon what is supposed to be the busiest street in Chinatown and find only a couple of people walking in it.

Day 108: The End is Near

My wife discontinued with the 150mg 5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan) a couple weeks ago and is now taking only 150mg Zoloft.  At my persistent nagging, she has decided to go adjust her sleep hygeine so that she goes to bed closer to midnight.  She still wakes up occasionally at 430-5am, but the majority of the time is able to fall back asleep.  The one remaining symptom of her anxiety disorder is the muscle tension that she still complains about, but even that she admits has improved.  However, all of her other symptoms (insomnia, heart racing, excess sweating, low energy, depressed mood) are pretty much gone.
She had previously tried CBT with a therapist, but it did not help, as her case was unique:  she did not feel mentally stressed, nor emotionally anxious, and yet showed all the physical symptoms of anxiety disorder.  There was no specific set of circumstance nor set of thoughts which would trigger the anxiety symptoms, it would occur randomly.  Google has helped us to find alternative ways to treat her unique situation.  One thing that did help was sleep hygiene, and also progressive relaxation techniques.  But in my opinion, I gave her as much emotional and moral support as I could best muster, and I think that also made a difference.  One thing that I found pleasantly strange was that we were not very affectionate to each other after we got married, but while she was going through this time of trial, she gave obvious body language and other signs of wanting to be hugged.  I later read that hugging can be therapeutic. I can say there was lots of hugging in the past 100 days.  Ooohhh yeeaaah.  But now she is showing less signs of wanting to be hugged, which is also how I know that she is getting better.
Yeah, I am going to miss giving out those hugs.

Journey to the Destination, Part II

During my Maritimes vacation, it finally dawned on me that my dad is old. As in seniors care home old.

As recently as 5 years ago, my Dad was active, talkative, bossy, ignorant, and had a fiery temper. I remember how he used to argue vehemently with my mom, with my sister, and even at me sometimes.  He isn't a selfish person because he worked very hard to provide for his family, and sacrificed his career so that my sister and I could have a brighter future. However, I would not describe him as a very self-aware person either, because that is the underlying reason to explain why he got into arguments with all his family members.  But he is who he is, and I didn't get a choice on who my father would be.
As recently as last year, we went on a family trip to Las Vegas, and he was more than able to keep up with us when we toured Las Vegas and also the Grand Canyon.

But then earlier this year something happened to him.  He was walking in his home when he fell down for no reason.  The next time it happened, he fainted.  My mom rushed him to Emergency at the hospital.  The doctor later told us that he had a mild stroke.  It was quite the surprise to me because he was healthy and showed no prior warning signs.
Luckily, there were no complications and he recovered full use of all limbs.

When I was a young lad, I never had a father who would throw the ball around with me, take me to see hockey games, or even explain to me the ways of the world. But even this twinge of resentment that lingered around in the depths of my mind has disappeared as I watched my dad during this vacation.  It was on this vacation to the Maritimes that I noticed that he is walking noticeably slower now, and talking slightly slower, more subdued nowadays. And more significantly, he no longer shows the fire of his character.
My role now, as it always has been, and always ever shall be, is to play the filial son.

The Glorious Hospitality of Quebec City in a Nutshell

One of the stops in the Maritimes bus tour was Quebec City.  We arrived at the Old Quebec section of the city, behind the wall.  The tour guide gave us 2 hours to walk around the various cobblestone streets and visit all the attractions.  We arrived at the old Quebec section later in the afternoon as we had just finished the whale watching tour.  Naturally, we arrived hungry, so we went to the tourist information centre and asked for directions to the nearest McDonalds.   While eating at the McDonalds, my daughter told us something mildly interesting about the Quebecois locals.  She noticed an old tourist couple walking by and one of them dropped a toonie.  Shortly afterwards, she noticed a young person pick up the toonie and walking off instead of returning it back to the old couple.

We arrived at the Notre Dame de Quebec Basilica Cathedral.  It was nice, and reminded me of Christ Church Cathedral back at my hometown, only a super sized Catholic version.  After walking around inside, we went outside and looked for someone to help us take a family photo, as I didn't particularly enjoy using the selfie stick today.  We saw this middle aged, obese person who seemed to be in a rush to get somewhere.  Nonetheless, I ask this person to help us take a photograph.  Unfortunately, this representative of all that Quebec City has to offer, muttered something to us in Quebecois french, dismissed us without even offering to help, and the continued on past us.  I kept looking at this person turned the corner, and confirmed the person was not busy trying to catch a bus.
This was the first time ever I have been turned down for assistance with taking a photo, what hospitality !

We were walking around and before we knew it it was time to go back to the tour bus.  However my daughter wanted to go the washroom.  Due to some miscommunication, we wound up looking for a washroom for her, which caused us to be late getting back to the bus. The tour guide admonished us for being a mere 5 minutes late getting back to the bus.  The reason being that some city official was threatening to give her a traffic ticket for parking the bus too long in a no parking zone.  So let me get this straight: their city hall could not be bothered to increase their tourism revenues by changing their bylaw to be more accommodating of tour buses to park in designated zones..... Really ?  

That is just awesome, I can't wait for my next vacation to Quebec to experience even more of their warm hospitality!

Journey to the Destination, Part I

I went on a 9 day bus tour of the Maritimes with my extended family.  Sitting on the bus to get to various destinations sucked. But I saw various attractions that helped me to learn a little more about Canadian culture along the way.

The Canadian war museum - located in Ottawa, there are various artifacts and galleries and tanks on display describing Canada's role in the 2 world wars and other wars.  The more interesting exhibition was the one describing Gladiators and Roman soldiers from the ancient Roman Empire.

Hopewell Rock (Bay of Fundy) - This was a beautiful scenic beach that we visited during low tide.  We explored some of the various rock caverns that this park is famous for.

Peggy's Cove - This was a panoramic, post-card like attraction, with the mini-lighthouse and attractive rocky shoreline.  The tour guide for some reason kept promoting this spot and encouraging us to spend some tourist dollars buying various trinkets, which we obliged.

The Atlantic maritime museum - I think the main reason this was chosen as part of the tour was because they had a gallery on display which contained artifacts from the Titanic, some of which were used in the actual movie.  The Titanic was apparently very popular with the Hong Kong people.  There was also a boat that we could board to see what life was like living aboard a boat.

Anne of Green Gables Park - another piece of Canadian culture that we visited.

Magnetic Hill - the bus driver demonstrated the effects of magnetic hill by driving "down" the hill and then putting it into neutral so that we can see the bus slide back "up" the hill.  Magnetic hill is actually an optical illusion where the human eye is tricked into seeing the hill as "downard" when it is actually upward due to no horizon available to use as reference.

Whale Watching (Riviere du Loup) - First time whale watching, and the St Lawrence seaway near Riviere du Loup was a great location.  I was able to see fin whales and minke whales, as well as a bunch of grey seals.

Chinese Buffet dinners - not surprisingly, the buffet dinners more or less served the same kind of westernized Chinese food - chow mein, fried rice, California Rolls, sweet & sour pork, spring rolls, stir fried veggies.  The maritime provinces are not known for their Chinese food unfortunately.  For the ones that tour bus took us to, I think the only reason they even exist is because of the bus tours "feeding" them.  I asked the tour guide, and she told me that there are on average 5 to 6 buses such as the one we were on driving asian tourists out to these destinations 2x per week.  Each bus has a seating capacity of 52 people, so assuming a buffet dinner costs around $15, that works out to $7800 per week of business for these hole in the wall restaurants.  Not too shabby.

lobster dinner - this was the first time I have ever eaten a whole lobster as the main course of the meal.  The whole lobster was steamed and partially cracked to make it easier to access the meat, and came with a baked potato, half a corn on the cob and some rice.  The lobster was not overcooked and tasted great, although the service was disappointing.  I don't think they had any system to deal with a large group such as the tour group I was with.

My son was more interested in swimming, and he got to try out the swimming pools at the Delta Fredericton, Delta Prince Edward (Charlottetown), the Prince George Hotel (Halifax), and Le Gouverneur (Montreal).

Guest Post

Sat.July 25/15

This is the wife and I'm writing to express how I feel today.  For the past 2 weeks, my tension in my lower and upper has settled down a bit, however there is tension building up at the back of my throat.  I hope that it's just anxiety unexpectedly happening without my control.  My husband thinks it is, but sometimes I think it might be something else.  It's so uncomfortable having this feeling and it is creating internal stress within me sometimes.  I try not to think about it and go on with my daily routine, but it's so strong that it's hard not think about it.  I even notice my heart beat within this tension.  I'm hoping the medicine is going to treat it and will go away so I can have my  healthy natural sleep back.

Because I Love Her

My daughter will turn 12 next month.   She is still scared of the dark. I asked her why she is scared. She doesn't know why. 
I got a little frustrated when she told me this. I mean, she is almost a teenager, what teenager is scared of the dark in this day and age when kids grow up so fast?
But then I am reminded again that she is not like other 11.5 year old girls.
She told me that she  also wants to stay up late too. I tell her that you can't have it both ways. And I had no interest in watching whatever kiddy show that she wanted to watch.  So I explained to her in detail how to turn on the lights near where she wants to sit or watch TV, and then to turn on the next set of lights when she is ready to go upstairs to bed.   We walked through a couple times how to turn on and off the right set of lights so that she is never in the dark.
So now when I go upstairs, she is learning to stay up later and later all by herself downstairs.

Day 67: The Long and Winding Road

My wife has been taking 150 mg Zoloft, 150 mg 5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan) and some naturopathic medication intended to improve the adrenal glands.  She was taking 0.5 mg Respiridone, but she decided not to continue with that, since she would hear a dull static ringing inside her head when she took Respiridone.
With some weekly massage and acupuncture thrown in for good measure, her condition has steadily improved, and she has recently started to fall asleep consistently without the use of zoplicone albeit she is getting only about 4.5 - 5hrs of sleep.  Consistently meaning that she has been off zoplicone for 3 days now and counting after steadily reducing the dosage of zoplicone in the prior weeks.  She still complains about waking up too early and not getting enough sleep, and that combined with her general mood tells me that she is not out of the woods yet.
She keeps asking me the same questions, such as whether she has a thyroid problem, whether she has throat cancer, whether she will make it, why can't she sleep naturally like other normal human beings, does she have TMJ, whether she has a cortisol imbalance, why isn't she seeing an endocrinologist about her problem, why does she have thsi persistent tension in her neck when she does not have any stressful thoughts, when can she start weaning off her meds, how do I know how much sleep she has been getting, why does she feel like she's not improving, do I even care about her condition, etc.
I initially tried recording a couple answers on my smartphone so that I could just play it back to her whenever she asks those same questions.  But then after she wrecked her own Nexus 5, I had to give her my Nexus 5.  When I gave her my old phone, I initially tried to add her as a secondary account, so that there would be 2 accounts on the Nexus 5, my account (primary) and her account (secondary).  Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that secondary accounts cannot receive any text messages, and the administrator (primary account) has to specifically provide access to the secondary account to make phone calls.  And to top it all off, there is no way to make the secondary account an administrator, so the only way was to factory reset the phone.  Factory resetting my old Nexus 5 (her new phone) also meant wiping out the pre-recorded answers that I had made.  Now I am too lazy to record new pre-recorded answers, partly also because I don't really like how I sound in the audio.

But nonetheless, I feel like a tape recorder just regurgitating the same canned answers over and over again every time she asks the same questions over and over again.  It's become almost a challenge of how robotic and monotonous I can sound without sounding like "holy crap, are you frickin' kidding me, you just asked me the same god forsaken question a couple hours ago!!!"

I am the secretary for my wife, and she approves of this post.

The Budding Alcoholic

When I was very small (around 7 or 8 years old), when my parents held a hotpot, sometimes they would buy Baby Duck sparkling wine.  In hindsight, I think it was my mom who would pick up the bottle of Baby Duck. I didn't realize it at the time, but my mom has a stronger taste for alcohol than my dad.  She was not an alcoholic, but she did enjoy red wine on special occasions, and also sometimes would sip a glass as she claimed that it helped her to fall asleep.
Anyways, during these special occasion hotpots, I would ask my mom for a small glass of the Baby Duck so that I could look like an adult.  I never really enjoyed drinking wine, because like all alcoholic beverages, there is a bitter aftertaste.  But I slurped it up nonetheless at every hotpot, because I felt it was a privilege to do so.
So we were eating at a restaurant recently, and out of the blue, my son asks about tasting a glass of wine.  WTF, where did this come from?
I asked him why did he suddenly become curious about wine.  He said that he saw me drinking it before, and wanted to try some himself.  We don't drink alcohol at home.  I don't buy beer nor wine to consume at home.  We have kept a few bottles of wine as gifts from friends.  So I really don't know when or how he even remembers the previous time that I drank red wine, as I don't remember it myself.
Anyways, my son asked to try a sip of the wine that we had at home.  I told him that unfortunately, once you open the bottle, you have to consume the whole thing or it starts to lose its original flavour and begin to taste more sour after a couple of days.  Man, the look of disappointment on his face just makes me cave in.  I hate that.
I told him I would give him a sip of wine the next time we went out to eat.

Nexus 5 vs OnePlus One vs Nexus 6

Ok, so my wife got careless a few days ago and dropped her Nexus 5.  This is the black Nexus5 that I had bought her for her Christmas present last year.

When it happened, she phoned me and sounded so devastated that I had thought for a moment that we had lost our first born.
I also happen to have a Nexus 5 myself, only that it is bright reddish-orange colour instead of black.  I had bought it in spring of last year.  I had grown to like it very much, as it had high end features (like high quality camera, high res screen, 16Gb drive space, and the latest Android OS, which was KitKat at that time), but low end price.  It really was, and still is the best value for money spent.  I liked it so much that I decided late last year to buy my wife a Nexus 5 as well.   No, we don't have his and hers personalized towels, slippers and bathrobes, we don't have the same shirts.  But we do (or did) have the same phones.

So when she first showed me how FUBAR'd the phone was, my initial thought was, crap, another $400 down the drain!  But then I thought, oh GOODY, I get to buy a new phone for myself (because I was going to give her my Nexus 5) !!!  Whoo - Hoo!

Then came a new problem - what kind of smartphone should I buy?  Well, my initial criteria was that it has to be Android, and it has to comparable to the Nexus5 - I wasn't interested in downgrading my user experience and phone quality.  With a bit of research, I came up with 2 candidates - the Nexus 6 and the OnePlus One.  Both were pretty decent Android phones.
As I researched the Nexus6 more, I started to have second thoughts about the Nexus6.  Sure, it is the latest and greatest from Google, and it is the only current Android phone that is actively sold by Google.  And who can argue with the screen size?  It's big, it's in your face, and the colour and contrast shines even more on the larger screen of the Nexus 6.  However, the Nexus5 fit comfortably in my pants pocket.  The Nexus6 with its bigger size?  Not so sure any more.  I don't have any desire to carry around one of those metrosexual man bags.

After all, I am already carrying my laptop in a bag during my commute to and from work, so that means I'm already carrying a metrosexual man bag!
So in my mind, the bigger screen of the Nexus6, as much as I loved it, meant less practicality.  So in the end, I decided not to buy the Nexus6, oh well.
And what about the OnePlus One?  I like the build, and I liked the Cyanogen Modded skin on the OnePlus one.  I also liked how they accepted Paypal right from their website.  Two of my co-workers had bought the OnePlus One a while back, when it first came out.  I spoke with them to get their thoughts on their experience with the OnePlus One.  One of them complained about the random glitches in the phone, like call sound volume suddenly would be very quiet, random crashes.  The other one complained about it being too big.  It's bigger than the Nexus5, but not as big as the Nexus6.  So I came to conclusion that those were flaws that I could live with.   However, when I went back to the website,  I discovered that the OnePlus one was no longer available for purchase!

After all that deliberation, I decided to get the Samsung Galaxy S5. The S5 cost about the same price as the OnePlus One on Craigslist, but the S5 had more features. Little things like fingerprint scanner and face recognition to keep the screen active made the difference in favour of the Samsung GS5. Plus ,the one that I had found also came with a car charger as an added bonus.

Stubborn and Skilled

Let me tell you about my son.
Last year, when he was 7, we enrolled him in a beginners gymnastics course.  He had fun.  He had so much fun that he started attempting backflips on my bed.  Then he started on attempting a handstand starting from sitting split legged .  He just kept doing it and doing it until he was able to nail it.

At the gymastics lesson that we initially signed him up for, they had a parent observation on the final day of the course, where parents could enter the gym to observe their child go through their routines that the coach had taught them.  Based on my observation of his routines, he was 2nd best out of his group, and the only reason he wasn't the best out of his group was because the boy who was was better than him was also older and had taken more lessons than him.  And I know that he was having fun because he watched him talk to all the other boys in his group, and laugh with them the whole time.  He was having fun, dammit!!

This boy shows dedication, or so I thought as I watched I watched him practice.  I then showed him a video of an aerial cartwheel on youtube.  He then tried to do the same thing in our back yard.  He tried and tried many times, but didn't have the technique quite right.  So later on, I asked him to sign up for a more advanced gymastics lesson at a different gymnastics club, so that he could learn all the proper techniques for the aerial cartwheel, backflip, front flip, etc.  To my dismay, he told me he didn't want to take any more gymnastics lessons.
WTF ????
Why oh why hast thou brought such wretched frustration upon my soul?
I tried to reason with him, but unfortunately, he inheirited my stubbornness.  And his rebuttal was sharp too - he told me he is happy with his current level of skill, and does not feel the need to better himself.
So now I am left debating whether to just sign him up for the lessons anyways, and deal with him being angry with me later.

Day 36

My wife is yawning a lot in the afternoons.  She gets tired and tries to take a nap.  I try to encourage her not to take a nap but she does not listen.
We found the medical records from the previous time she had PPD.  She was on Respiridone, Zoloft and zoplicone, but at heavier dosages.  So her GP increased her dosages from what she is currently taking.

Facebook: epilogue

Ok, so I didn't get the job at Facebook, and they sent me off with some thank-you schwag.  I interviewed at Amazon before and wasn't able to pass their interview either.
This whole interview process did give me time to reflect on my motivations before and after this whole process.

The vast majority of people are not interested in changing jobs.   There are various reasons for this, including an aversion to the interview process, being happy with their present job, or not being able to find a worthwhile job opportunity.  In particular, the interview process is essentially one extended sales pitch, where you have to sell yourself to the person sitting across the table facing you.   That's the downside risk with interviews, when you don't pass the interview, ie. you're unable to sell your skills well enough, then it is bad for the psyche, and confidence.  Most people, whether they admit it or not, are not good salespeople, hence they tend to avoid interviews.
As for me, I have gone through so many over the years that I have grown a somewhat thick skin to the whole process.  Yeah, I didn't pass the interview at Facebook, but it didn't bother me too much (unlike my younger days, when I took things more personally).  It may have to do with several factors, including being mentally prepared for a negative outcome, and lowering my expectations going in.

In all honesty, I would die for a chance to work at Facebook. They are what I consider the elite, upper echelon of software engineering companies.  These elite, top tier software companies include Apple, Google, Amazon, Twitter.  They are built from the ground up to make software engineered products.  This is distinctly different from the software divisions at companies like Qualcomm, or Intel, where their subservient software divisions exist only to help the hardware teams sell more hardware products.
What makes these software companies elite is their culture.  The programming tests that they give you in the interview tend to be theoretical and complex, and the knowledge required to pass such tests is not going to be used in your day to day job.  However, that is irrelevant, because they are looking for a certain personality profile.  At the end of the day, I unfortunately have to admit that I do not match the profile of a person who can do well in such theoretical software tests, and as such, tend not to do well in such interviews.  I've learned to accept who I am over the years, and learning more about my strengths and how I contribute value to a company in ways that a programming test cannot identify nor uncover.

But still, I would give anything for a chance to work at one of these top tier software companies.

Day 25: This could be the Key

It's depressing to talk about depression.
But my wife has gone through depression 3 times now, with this latest episode being the 3rd.  The first 2 times were counted as post-partum depression (PPD), but the symptoms that I saw were exactly the same:  insomnia leading to muscle tension in the neck and upper back, heart racing, sweaty palms, loss of appetite, general lack of interest and motivation to do anything.
So, as much as it sucks to talk about something so depressing,  this is something I must document, as my memory is starting to decay inversely proportional to the gray hairs that have been increasing on my head.

I went through my old emails from 2007, when my wife was going through PPD a second time in search of any clues.  I discovered that she went to see some doctors who specialize in all sorts of post-partum issues including PPD.  In fact, I was the one who drove her there, but no longer remember the experience, because... I really don't know why.

But what I did find out was that I reported to someone at my church that my wife started to get better not long after she went to visit the post-partum specialists.  We were able to find the name of the doctor who was looking after my wife's case, but unfortunately, she has retired.  However, we are in the process of filing some paperwork to obtain access to her records so that we can find out how my wife got better under this doctor's care.

Top 7 Fight Scenes from the Flash Season 1

The Flash is one of my favourite TV shows.  I like it even more than the Arrow.  I like superhero shows, and it appears that the TV networks are keenly aware that I am not alone in that affinity.  Superhero movies have become very popular in the past few years, because they have all the ingredients to make them popular with the consumer:  a good story, likable characters that we aspire to, or can relate to, and drama but really, they all build up to testosterone pissing contests.  Back in the 90's I watched the Superman: the Animated Series and Justice League.  Batman I watched as well, but it was not my favourite, because it was darker, more serious, and less optimistic.
Anyways, when the Flash came out, I knew I had to watch it and follow it religiously.
Season 1 had many great non-fight scenes and moments where the Flash gets to show us his powers (like creating mini-tornadoes with hands, phasing through solid surfaces, etc), but here are my version of the top 7 fight scenes from Season 1:


1.  Flash / Arrow / Firestorm vs Reverse Flash (Ep. 23, Fast Enough):

Barry Allen from the present knew he could not defeat Reverse Flash by himself, so he brought in reinforceents, but this was just an excuse to give what the fans have wanted all season - to see an all out brawl of superheroes!  Harrison Wells starts off the fight by pointing his ring to let his yellow costume enlarge itself to full size.  This is taken from the comics, except usually the comics show Barry Allen getting his costume out of his ring.  Way. cool.  Then we see various elements of a good superhero brawl:  displays of the Reverse Flash's superpowers, as well as Firestorm's powers, and Green Arrow's tactics.


2. Flash vs Gorilla Grodd (Ep. 21, Grodd Lives!):

The CW network managed to pull off the CGI to bring Grodd to the TV screen, and the results were sick!  Despite actual footage of Grodd lasting only a few minutes, this full episode dedicated to a story on Grodd was a fitting payoff for all the times that glimpses of Grodd was teased in various ending scenes in previous episodes.  This is the second time we see Barry attempt his supersonic punch.  Then we get to see Grodd display his awesome powers of psychic attack, as well as his super strength.


3. Flash vs. Arrow (Ep. 18, Flash vs. Arrow):

The only build up was the early announcement of the title of this episode: "Flash vs. Arrow".  That was all that was needed, and social media viral network did the rest.   Superhero vs superhero, the anticipation was as immense as the payoff itself.  Greatly choreagraphed fight scene, with just enough there to leave you wanting more.  This was actually the first part of a crossover, and the second and final part played out on Arrow.  It was after this episode that I started watching all of the episodes of Arrow Season 3.  I will probably watch the first 2 seasons later in the summer.


4. Flash vs Girder (Ep 6, The Flash is Born):

This was the first time Barry showed off one of the more impressive things that he could do with his powers - Supersonic punch, baby!  Girder was another character from the comics.  Barry is not portrayed as muscular in the show, so it was a classic "weakling getting back at the bully" moment that I'm sure many nerds such as myself can relate to.  I was actually kind of sad to see that they killed off Girder in the very next episode, as I really thought that they could do a lot more with his character.


5. Flash vs. Firestorm (Ep. 13, The Nuclear Man):

Ok, ok, it was not much of a full on fight, but we still get to see some of Firestorm's awesome powers and also his flying abilities.  Pretty cool if you ask me.


6. Flash vs Reverse Flash (Harrison Wells), part I (Ep. 9, The Man in the Yellow Suit)

This is the first of several meetings between these two rivals.  Both of their powers are full on in display.  I really like how they show (albeit briefly) the Reverse Flash running as if the video is being fast forwarded, except that that is actually how fast he would be running.  No wait, he would be running even faster than that.  This round goes to Reverse Flash, as Barry has not yet discovered his true potential in harnessing the Speed Force. yet.


7. Flash vs Reverse Flash (Eobard Thawne), part II (Ep. 17, Tricksters)

This was the opening scene to the episode 17.  The opening scene was so awesome that it made Mark Hamill's special guest appearance in the episode seem rather ordinary.  The opening scene was actually Barry Allen from the future fighting the Reverse Flash from the future.  Barry Allen from the future had a better understanding of the speed force and how to tap into it, so the fight was not as one sided as in the first time they met.

The Hydra of a Different Colour: Sleeping Pills (Lorazapem, Zopiclone, Trazadone)

Not long after my wife started taking the sleeping pills, I have observed the effects of increased tolerance.
At first, she took 0.5mg Lorazapem and got a good nights sleep.  Within a couple of days, that wore off, and she was back down to like 2 hrs of disrputed sleep.  So she increased the dosage to 1.0 mg Lorazapem.  But that only worked for a couple of days.  After seeing her GP, she started switching over  Zopiclone along with Zoloft.  That had mixed results, as the Zoloft seemed to increase her mood swings.  Her initial dosage of zopiclone was 2.5mg.  But she followed the same pattern - after a couple of days, she increased her dosage of zopiclone in order to get the 6-7 hours of sleep that she so craved.  She is now on 7.5 mg of zopiclone along with 50mg of Zoloft.
Not really sure what to do here, or how to help her.  But I've asked her to see her GP again to see what alternative medicine there are for helping her to fall asleep.

The good news is that when she gets at least 6-7 hours of sleep, her signs of anxiety disorder disappear - sweaty palms, heart racing, muscle tension.  When she gets only 2 hrs sleep, the anxiety disorder returns - mood swings, heart racing, muscle tension, sweaty palms.
She has been going through a pattern of 1 good nights sleep followed by 1 sleepless night.  Not sure what to do next.

Happy Anniversary

May 26th was our 14th wedding anniversary.
I had originally planned to take the day off, drop off the kids to school, and take my wife out for brunch at a lovely french restaurant.
Well, that all changed after she was unable to sleep the night before.  I could almost predict that it would happen, as she talked about the night before wanting to avoid taking the sleeping pill.
So, I wound up cancelling my 1-day vacation, went to work, while my wife went to the pharmacist to renew her medication.  I did give her a back massage at night after the kids went to bed, at which point she finally realized it was our anniversary.  Happy Anniversary!

Day 11

My wife went to emergency yesterday to ask the doctor to diagnose the tension in her jaw and neck.  Luckily for her, Emergency was not busy that night, as only one critical case happened and less than 5 people were waiting when we signed in with their triage nurse.

After waiting for about an hour, the doctor on staff saw her and made a brief exam of her neck, jaw and ear.  As I expected, the doctor found nothing.  I tried to convince my wife earlier that there was no physical ailement causing the tension in her jaw - it was all from her anxiety disorder.  However, she was not convinced and persisted in seeing a doctor.

The doctor told her that her jaw was normal, and the tightness was caused by anxiety.  I asked the doctor to prescribe some sleeping pills for her condition.  He cautioned against making any such prescription, as he said he does not know my wife's history, and it was better that my wife's family doctor make the diagnosis and prescribe appropriate medicine.  However, I told him that due to the long weekend, our family doctor would have a backlog of patients to attend to on the first business day after the long weekend, and we would be on a waiting list to see her.  I asked again, can he prescribe some sleeping pills just as a temporary measure until we were able to see the family doctor.  He relented and prescribed some small dosages of lorazepam (0.5mg).

Lorazepam, as I found out from Google, is actually a drug used to treat anxiety disorders.  Its primary function is to calm the nervous system.  The main side effect of this is to induce sleep.  Lorazepam is habit forming, so now the new challenge is for my wife to be able to wean herself off Lorazepam.  In fact, all of these drugs used to treat anxiety and depression (Trazadone, diazepam and other benzodiazepines, SSRI inhibitors, MAOI's, etc) are basically a dark, slippery slope down into the weeping and gnashing abyss of no return.  A lot of the time, even the physician does not know the best medication to treat depression and anxiety disorders, and as a result, the patient becomes a guinea pig of sorts, trying out different drugs or even different combination of drugs to see what works best.  Not surprisingly, this and the rise of the internet age has led to many people trying to self-diagnose.
Prevention is the best medicine, and these kinds of drugs are to be avoided at all costs.  The way to avoid them is to keep your body in an active, healthy lifestyle of healthy diet and exercise, and to listen to the warning signs that your body sends out, because it will send out warning signs.

Facebook: Prologue

There was this recruiter from Facebook who contacted me through LinkedIn.  There is nothing unusual about that, since I receive unsolicited emails from recruiters about once a week, and this recruiter was one of many who tried to persuade me by dangling the carrot of a lucrative job opportunity.
The first time I received these unsolicited recruitment emails, I was flattered.  But as I received more and more of these types of emails as time went on, I began to realize that I was nothing more than a number in their database, and the cold call to sell me on a job opportunity was more about them to make their monthly sales quota.

However, this recruiter was persistent.  The recruiter sent me several emails over a span of a month, and eventually, being the young and naive dreamer that I am, I responded to one of the recruiter's email pitches.
I passed their phone screen, and now have a scheduled in  person interview with one of their engineers.  Let's see where this takes me.

The 3-Headed Hydra: Anxiety, Depression, & Insomnia

These 3 disorders (Anxiety, depression, insomnia) on the surface appear to be separate and distinct mental disorders.
Anxiety is usually associated with some form of worry in the person's head.  Wikipedia describes anxiety as a  mental disorder that is the result of a difficult challenge for which the subject has insufficient coping skills.
Insomnia is the inability to fall asleep or stay asleep.  Insomnia is classified by the academic powers that be (aka Wikipedia) as a sleep disorder and not a mental disorder.
And depression in general is classified as a mood disorder (which itself is a subcategory of mental disorders) and there is generally a stigma associated with what appears on the surface to be a mental illness.

However, here's where the 3 are interconnected:  Anxiety triggers, leads to, or maybe even causes insomnia, which then creates the fertile ground necessary for depression to take hold.  Once the person enters a depressed state it allows the anxiety and insomnia to grow like weeds.  All three feed on each other.  However, resolving the anxiety disorder (by positive self talk and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) does not fix the other problems (insomnia and depression).  Depression, once it takes hold, is the toughest monster to slay. People who suffer from chronic depression does lead me to wonder whether the monster ever did  go away, or actually has been there all along, but just sleeping.

Depression is the hardest to fix, and requires a combination of positive self talk (CBT), lifestyle changes like eating a balanced meal and exercising consistently and a support system.  Also, the person suffering from depression must force themselves to be preoccupied with some work or task throughout the better part of the day.   When the mind if focused on the task or work at hand, that means it is not focused on the depression.  It is not fed and that is key.   Having a support network of people helps to stick to the lifestyle changes and positive self talk.
Insomnia is the easiest to fix, and usually a trip to the doctor for some sleep medication, along with some good sleep hygeine usually fixes insomnia.

Day 10: Hello Darkness My Old Friend

My wife has been experiencing depression.  I'm not sure if the depression is caused by lack of sleep, or whether the lack of sleep is caused by the depression, but it all seems interconnected in her case. She started losing sleep when my friend from out of town came to visit us.   That was May 8.  That weekend was a bit busy for us, as we had 2 Mother's Day dinners to attend, one with my family on Saturday night, and one with my wife's family on Sunday night.
When the work week started on Monday, my wife took the day off on May 11 to help recover from a sinus cold that was plugging up her ear.  She kept complaining about how her plugged ears was waking her up in the middle of the night.  Despite having the day off, she continued to lose sleep.   It got progressively worse.
I seem to be affected by her depression as well, as it has affected my sleep patterns as well.  My memory of what has happened in the past week or so has been fragmented and spotty at best.

May 11: she took the day off, used the humidifier to resolve her blocked ear.  She did some chores around the house.  Nothing exciting happened that day.  But that night she lost sleep and stayed up all night.
May 12:  She went for a massage, which seemed to help temporarily.  However, it did not seem to improve her sleep.  I notice her personality started to change.  She was more subdued and quiet, she didn't yell or get mad at anything anymore.  We decided to head to Walmart to pick up some Melatonin.  I did some research online and read some good things about melatonin, how it can help restore your sleep cycle.   However, we probably did not understand enough about how melatonin can help or harm the body.  She took 2 tablets, for a total of 10mg of melatonin.  She didn't feel drowsy right away and the anxiety came back.
May 13: She woke up complaining about being drowsy.  It would appear that the melatonin that we bought was not instant release, even though the label described it as instant relase.  I had left early from work to help out with chores  around the house.  My wife had gone to see an acupuncturist about her condition.  After her acupuncture session, the acupuncturist prescribed some chinese herbal medicine in tablet form as well as some Cal-Mag and B-complex vitamins.  I'm not absolutely sure, but I believe my wife had around 3-4. Hours of sleep.  However, she feels she had only 2 hours of sleep.
May 14:  I had left work early again, although this time, my project manager asked about me leaving early.  I was supposed to take my son to gymnastics, but he was complaining about knee pain as he had hurt his knee from a fall earlier in the day.  As a result, he convinced me not to take him to his weekly gymnastics lesson.  We went to a western restaurant near our home.  My wife went for a walk by herself.  She did not sleep well that night.
May 15:  We went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner, and after dinner, we went to the park nearby to throw the boomerang around with the kids.  It was the first time that I had thrown a boomerang, and it was interesting to learn the proper technique for throwing a boomerang, mostLY through trial and error.  While we were throwing the boomerang around, my wife went to walk around the track a few times, occasionally joining us to throw the boomerang.  My wife decided not to take any melatonin that night. She slept well that night.
May 16:  We didn't go for any walks after dinner.  Tried to sleep at 11pm, but was not able to.  I wound up sleeping at around 220 am after watching the moview "The Day After Tomorrow" online.  My wife tried to sleep early, but could not fall asleep.  She eventually did fall asleep shortly before I went to bed.  I went to bed after I finished watching the movie.

May 17:   I woke up at around 630a and listened to her complain about lightly sleeping the night before, and then not being able to sleep at all after 430a.  We started late (at around 130p), but headed up Mt. Seymour for a hike to Dog Mountain.    This was the hike that I wanted to do on May10, but was not able to do so when my friend came into town.  We took a bath together at her suggestion.  I had never done this before, so it was a bit strange to be showering together.  she took some Melatonin and advil and was able to sleep